On Sunday, I:
- wrote a really long blog post
- attempted to photograph sunflowers in my garden
- enjoyed a visit from Baby Bo.
If you are interested in the long blog post, it’s below the ***. Otherwise, just enjoy the flowers and baby. 🙂
For me, a tidy environment frees up my brain.
Of late, I’ve been thinking about the past 10 years as a measure of time because it was 10 years ago this summer I met Mark. I’ve looked through some old pictures (while sorting them into file boxes). I’ve pondered who I was and how I lived before Mark, marriage, and stepmotherhood. And frankly, I’m tired of spinning my mental wheels and I am ready to Move On.
This weekend, I gathered all of my personal journals from various storage spots and put them all together in chronological order on a shelf. I did not fall down the reading rabbit hole. (Pats self on back.)
More significantly, I sat down and got real with myself. Where/whom do I want to be in 5 years, when I am 50? Whatever *that* is, I will only regret not starting sooner. So it’s time to get busy.
Mark is not a goal setter in the traditional sense of setting 1-, 3-, and 5-year goals with specific details. He is a dreamer of Big Dreams in terms of the land at the river, the types of buildings he wants there, what he wants to plant, and how much fun we’re going to have with our friends and family.
Consequently, I am a goal setter who has not set goals for 10 years, and in the process, allowed a lot of dreams to fall by the wayside. I don’t blame Mark, I just know my personal behavior was influenced by not setting goals together.
For the record, and because I have an awesome support network who I trust will rush to my defense (Kellie, that means you) I understand this doesn’t mean I haven’t been busy pursuing other activities or been engaged in worthwhile goals — building a family is a pretty consuming task! But I have wrestled with giving up certain ambitions for a long time and have been unable to let go. (I have at least one blog reader who, I suspect, is either rolling her eyes or nodding her head and saying, “It’s about time you admitted it, kiddo.” You know who you are.)
So, this weekend, we hung a cork board and I cleaned out my great-grandfather’s desk. I wrote 6 goals on the exterior of 6 tiny envelopes. Inside each envelope is a card naming a reward for accomplishing said goal. (I mixed them up before writing the goals on the outside, so I don’t know if achieving a particular goal will result in a frozen custard treat or a pedicure!) I moved my books about writing and poetry to the desk, and I decorated the bulletin board with quotes, inspirational cards, and photos. In short, I created a nook in our room where I can see my intentions every day.
I’m not sure what the role of the blog will be moving forward. I agonize over whether I should post what I’m really thinking, or post what I think will interest “my audience.” I wonder how my random ideas or sporadic sharing of what I’m reading or listening to and thinking about could possibly benefit anyone, and if my blog *has* to benefit anyone. (See, another thing I know about myself is that I hate to waste time, and if what I do has no greater purpose than helping me in some way, I often consider it wasted time. Part of me understands that it’s not — that I shouldn’t put my worth in my productivity, and that if I come to a greater understanding of my purpose through blogging, then it is a worthwhile endeavor.)
I also know that I love my Poetry Friday community and feel Horribly Guilty when there is not time to read and comment on everyone’s blogs . . . so I avoid posting. Because I can’t stand that someone might spend time on me and my blog when I can’t return the courtesy.
If you are still reading this, thanks. I cannot promise much of anything moving forward, but I needed to write all of this “out loud” so I can be free to reinvent this space, mothball this space, or feel my way into what it will be.
To everyone who has supported my dreams, goals, crazy ideas, ambitions, blog posts, randomness, and life — thanks for being awesome. Stay tuned and stay prayerful. I can’t promise much, but I can promise I’m going to try.